The Masked Singer is here and honestly WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE. This lovable show is the only pure thing on television as far as I’m concerned, and I’m convinced it has the ability to heal our country. I’m also semi convinced I’ve hallucinated the entire thing, but moving on.
Each week, a group of “famous celebrities” (just don’t expect Gaga to show up, mmmkay?) go head-to-head in a singing competition while dressed in creepy masks made by a costume department that’s clearly SEEN. SOME. THINGS. Truly, the last time I stumbled upon something this alarming was when I took a deep dive into fan-fic on Reddit, a journey from which I’m still recovering:
Anyway, clearly the best part of The Masked Singer is finding out which celebs are participating in what’s definitely not a humiliating experience they’ll eventually regret. We’ve made a weekly tracker to, well, keep track of them all, so here’s who’s been unmasked thus far.
P.S. This list will be updated each week because The Masked Singer is basically my reason for existing.
WEEK NINE: The Bee, The Peacock, and The Monster
The People Behind the Mask: Gladys Knight, Donny Osmond
Wow, something super-special happened this week on The Masked Singer. It was two entire hours, otherwise known as 120 precious minutes of your life! And multiple people were revealed! First up, The Bee, aka Gladys Knight. GLADYS, ARE YOU OKAY? YOU’VE BEE-N IN THERE FOREVER.
Next up, the poor long-suffering “celebrity” known as Donny Osmond, who has been ~strutting his stuff~ if you will, which I won’t, inside the Peacock costume for 84 years. Honestly, I’m not sure he’ll ever recover.
And finally, The Monster, who ended up being T-Pain. I have no further comment because I’ve reached the peak of my life and I’m speechless. Goodbye.
WEEK EIGHT: The Lion and The Rabbit
The Woman and Man Behind the Mask: Rumer Willis and Joey Fatone
Truly, the only thing getting me through Tristan “Third Trimester” Thompson’s Cheating Scandal 2.0 is The Masked Singer, and this week was even more ~dramatic~ than usual. Yes friends, not one but TWO random B-list celebrities took off their criminally insane masks tonight: The Lion (aka Rumer Willis, WTF LOL) and The Rabbit (aka Joey Fatone).
Wow, what a wild ride. Congrats on this amazing career choice, Rumer and Joey!
WEEK SEVEN: The Alien
The Woman Behind the Mask: La Toya Jackson
Wow, I’m truly shocked that this week’s reveal was someone known for actual musical talent! Truly, the bookers for The Masked Singer deserve some kind of lifetime achievement award!
I’m kind of alarmed and offended that La Toya Jackson was voted off so early in the game, but we can all agree that worse things have happened on this show. See: the costuming department. Bye ’til next week!
WEEK SIX: The Raven
The Woman Behind the Mask: Ricki Lake
The fact that we live in a world where Ricki Lake can shove her body inside a raven costume and not win a Nobel Prize for cos-playing is, frankly, a crime. Yet, that is what happened during Week Six of The Masked Singer, when our poor feathered friend…wait for it...flew the coop.
I’ll miss you, Raven! RAVE ON, if you will.
WEEK FIVE: The Unicorn
The Woman Behind the Mask: Tori Spelling
This week, I realized that the best part of The Masked Singer is how enthusiastically the judges guess celebs who under NO CIRCUMSTANCES would ever agree to be on this show. Like, watching Jenny McCarthy suggest Lauren Conrad was just about the most wholesome thing ever. But shockingly, Lauren Conrad isn’t spending her downtime lurking inside a unicorn costume, and instead Tori Spelling showed up! Will the show be the same without her? NO IT WILL NOT THX FOR ASKING.
WEEK FOUR: The Poodle
The Woman Behind the Mask: Margaret Cho
Wow, will your life ever be the same without The Poodle? Because MINE CERTAINLY WILL NOT. This sassy fluff ball tried her hardest to impress the totally qualified and not at all random group of judges, but alas, she was forced to unmask and utter the immortal words: “I liked the head and I felt comfortable inside of it.”
Words to live by, tattooing them on my body immediately.
WEEK THREE: The Deer
The Man Behind the Mask: Terry Bradshaw
The Deer is by far the most terrifying costume on The Masked Singer, so honestly it’s sort of a relief that he’s been unmasked. Just kidding, THIS IS A TOTAL TRAVESTY and NOTHING WILL BE THE SAME. But the good news is two-time Super Bowl MVP Terry Bradshaw didn’t seem too bummed—in fact, he felt fully relieved. Godspeed, Deer. We hardly knew yew.
WEEK TWO: The Pineapple
The Man Behind the Mask: Comedian Tommy Chong
The Pineapple was tragically nixed from the competition thanks to an equally tragic performance of “I Will Survive,” which was pretty ironic in retrospect due to him not surviving even a little bit. But it’s cool because comedian Tommy Chong just seemed happy to be part of this WTF adventure!
WEEK ONE: The Hippo
The Man Behind the Mask: NFL Star Antonio Brown
The Hippo was eliminated in week one after going up against the Peacock, who frankly peaROCKED, causing poor Hippo to be unmasked and revealed as NFL player Antonio Brown.
Anyone who’s brave enough to sweatily lurk inside a frightening hippo costume is obviously my new favorite person, so I’ll be buying myself a Pittsburgh Steelers jersey and attempting to understand football until next time. Bye!